If Social Media were drinks

We live in a fast paced world that has us glued to our dimly lit screens almost constantly and usually we owe this addiction and sometimes complete waste of time to Social Media. Yes , the thing that keeps evolving and new ones sprout up out of the blue and well at first our parents hate it , but when they join it , it is not longer cool. In this post , vaguely inspired by Troye Sivan’s video where he personified social media , I will be going through what social media would be if they were well known drinks. This is in fact biased and has no scientific evidence , deal with it.

Tumblr – Voss water

Tumblr , just like water happens to sustain life . It sustains the life of multiple fandoms , sad poetry , some of the best memes and glorious photography. But , it isn’t just any water , oh no , it is the best of the best , the cut above the rest : VOSS , of course because it’s all about the aesthetic at the end of the day.

Twitter – coffee

The underlying component of coffee is well , caffeine. It provides the energy needed for those all night twitter owls and can be seemingly as refreshingly addictive as your timeline. Twitter is known for being hyperactive and universally loved by most people with a brain (oh wait nevermind , it is also the home to most bigots an politicians too). There also different ways to tweet , you can be a bitter sugarless hater ,an over the top frothy fangirl or just plan and simple average-cuppa-joe.

Facebook – Coke 

Facebook started off big and made millions and is still sadly relatively popular today . It is one of those things you know you shouldn’t drink but once you get a taste , you’re hooked (temporarily).

Snapchat – EVERY ALCOHOL EVER

The new kid on the block is doing everything it possibly can to stay relevant and can often be confusing at times. One moment you’re watching pointless 300 second long snapstories and living vicariously from the comfort of your couch and the next you’re reading refreshing articles. Mostly , just like after consuming alcohol you may regret your actions like that snap you sent , as there are always handy screenshotters at the ready to have your mistakes saved forever .Both alcohol and snapchat have a habit of making you lose your clothes (hint :those nudes you shouldn’t have sent) (NOTE : just like alochol snapchat’s terms and conditions seem to be a bit fuzzy too , You have been warned).

YouTube- Flavoured water

Water , as stated before sustains life and is the original contender on the block , but then came flavoured water , with new possibilities and unidentifiable health risks . You know it probably isnt good for you ,but you drink it anyway . There are different flavours for everyone , like if you’re in the mood for music videos , pranks , general vlogging , make up gurus or a tutorial on basically anything.

 

Vine – RedBull

Vine is basically that hyperactive kid running around screaming random things as quickly as possible in the hopes of going viral ( or gaining wings). It also has negative side effects that we sometimes overlook, like launching the careers of Nash Grier and Cameron Dallas

Pintrest – Chardonnay

Classy , refined , tasteful and possibly run by middle-aged housewives , pintrest is the go to for DIY ideas and once you join you’re pinned for life.

Google + – Pepsi

The cheaper cousin of Facebook , who tried out the formula but was missing a key ingredient , yet still lingers in the hopes of one day catching on.

 

Well ,that’s a wrap and I am rather thirsty now . Comment down below if you disagree and what the drink you think a social media represents.

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How not to do International Coffee Day

Today is in fact international coffee day , second only to my Birthday in my books , as it celebrates the existence of the elixir that both sustains and ruins my life. The following story I am about to tell is based on actual evens that occurred this very morning.

Just before the sun rose over the horizon I gently slipped out of bed and took my laptop upstairs to the study (my second home). Here , I had planned to concoct the perfect study timetable to ensure success in my upcoming final exams . It was complete and colour coded to OCD perfection. Once completed , I scurried off to the kitchen to eat some breakfast and interestingly enough my mum had just baked a batch of scones . Now one would normally consume ones coffee , but of course I decided against it and decided to ingest water instead ( trying to be healthy) and it is here that the trouble started. After packing my bag and donning my dreadful school uniform for one of the last times , it finally hit me that today was in fact ” international coffee day” and what kind of caffeinated elfling would I be if I simply ignored it ? (answer: a terrible one) .

Being the absolute genius that I am ,I decided to make a cup of coffee and carry it to school in one of those carrier flasks and sip away the extra hour early at which I was dropped off at school. My steaming hot cup of hugs was ready and I casually placed the flask down on the study table in order to gather my things . In a matter of a second and one flick from my school bag , the VERY MUCH CLOSED flask was knocked over and the mess ensued . My plan was fullproof but my laptop was not coffeeproof. The sticky brown liquid seeped into the crevices of my keyboard at an alarming rate and beside it lay my very study timetable drenched and deteriorating . It took a few more seconds for my brain to process my stupidity before I realised that I too , was covered in coffee . My mind rushed as I picked up my laptop with its now ironic “love coffee” sticker plastered on the surface . I turned it around and hurriedly tried to remove the excess coffee and yelled for help while slowly dying inside.

In the end there was nothing more I could than confess to my parents and face the sticky consequences. Subsequently I did not go to school due to my spiralling emotions and am dreading drinking another cup of coffee. Suffice to say I may have been “stained” for life.

This was of course not typed out on my own laptop for obvious reasons . I just hope we manage to sort everything out and I figured blogging would be a good release . I give you full permission to laugh at my misery , at least then I know someone got something good out of this .

HOPEFULLY YOUR INTERNATIONAL COFFEE DAY GOES BETTER THAN MINE ( I still love coffee okay , at least I think so …)

In a world without coffee for my laptop however there would be no chaos and darkness ( especially since the screen went black after the spill)

How to do New year’s eve the right way , the loner way

It’s safe to say that we have reached the end of 2014 (who knew I mean what with all the pretentious instagram posts and parties I haven’t been invited to) . Honestly today is not my favourite day , perhaps because I am shackled to parents and my best friends are away in other countries . So this is for you , any other bored , borderline depressed unattached loner on this night and my unpractised , pathetic attempts to surviving the last day of 2014.

First things first (I am the realest .. okay no please let us leave this in 2014) let go of all the ill feelings you may be harbouring for those people who probably deserve it but are definitely not worth it. And once you’re done pretending to be a good person , go right back to hating them.

Next have a game plan in mind , it takes a few hours for the day to actually end so you must naturally seem at least to the outside world , competent enough to have some semblance of a social life , however small it may be. Try convincing your parents to take you out for supper , somewhere fancy and sought after , get all dressed up for no reason and then commence to document it on you snapchat story. It takes about an hour before you start convincing yourself that suicide is good option because your parents are suffocating you with their company (I love you mum and dad if you ever read this) , so before dashing home stop at some trendy ice cream place , just to seem extravagant and seemingly happy.

Once you’re home , the infuriating and pointless wait begins , to kill time I recommend eating anything edible lying around and lots of it , wishing your friends in other time zones , binge watching tv series and movies , contemplating what a disaster this year has been and the most important of all being scouring the happiest parts of the internet for a tumblresque , clichéd 2015 picture to upload on almost every social network . I do however understand that sleep is important and you may just dose off and miss it entirely , set an alarm for 10 minutes before so you look fresh faced and ready to kiss your pillow or laptop (I wont judge) or if you do miss it pretend to be too preoccupied to even notice.

There the full proof way to surviving new years eve , I hope you don’t need it . GOODBYE 2014 , YOU ARE DEAD TO ME , HELLO 2015 , PLEASE DONT SUCK

What does your cereal say about you?

Ever read a magazine article with a similar title to mine but instead it talks bout horoscopes , names , shoes or other trivial nonsense? Well I felt inspired by these articles that I have never read and put my investigative skills to work. Presenting a completely biased , inaccurate , humorous view on what your cereal says about you (picture this on glossy pages)

Here goes nothing:

From : whatever magazine would publish this

Crunchy, smooth , fluid-filled or just plain . You wake up , go about your daily morning rituals , in your sleepy haze a box awaits. The box is followed by a bowl ,spoon and usually milk. By now you know I am referring to the grains that start your day , and yet these grains are simply not limited to time frame , they ,may be consumed at all hours.

What is cereal? Yes a food normally consumed at breakfast , because who has time for a gourmet breakfast and we are just plain lazy due to the lack of a butler. Naturally some like variety but I cannot commit to a cereal , so I am a cereal slut trying out new ones around every 3 months , clearly I will have issues in an actual relationship But enough about me , I tried to involve some public consensus and if you don’t know the names of the cereal because you aren’t South African then Google my friend.

mold mereal

COCO POPS 

Coco pops shows a strong attachment to childhood and chocolate . You are probably immature and eat this at all hours , try an adult cereal from now and then to shake things up.

CORN FLAKES

Well aren’t you plain , precise and downright ordinary or in teen speak ” omg you’re so basic” . Also you might have OCD tendencies like how many flakes are in the bowl. Try and shake things up from time to time.

SPECIAL K

Know that you are beautiful and don’t need the media to tell you to lose weight to be beautiful , so please eat something that doesn’t taste like cardboard , unless you like the cereal bars because those are amazing.

STRAWBERRY POPS AND MILO CEREAL

You think you’re hipster but you’re really mainstream , but I wont deny following trends does have its upsides.

OATS AND FRUIT

clearly a very damaged and deranged soul. WHY WOULD YOU VOLANTARILY SUBJECT YOURSELF TO OATS?

MUSELI

if you’re feeling fancy you can call this granola , but really you’re not to bad and maybe you’re a nice person living on the healthier side of life , or just pretending to.

FUTURE LIFE (MY LATEST EX CEREAL)

You probably buy into delusions and believe that this will fill you contentedly when it really lies.

AL BRAN FLAKES

Probably constipated.

Disclaimer : the views and opinions expressed above are not to be taken seriously but are a true devotion to cereal and a generalised view. Also I may or may not be eating cereal now

follow me on twitter : @faatimahE