Hello, it’s me.

Yes , it is still I, your loyal but not so present elfling just with a new look . It just seemed time for a change what with my impending existential crisis soon to follow. This new me comes with a few announcements and proclamations too.

I am no longer 15 years old , what a surprise I know . No longer filled with high school woes or an eagerness to blog , and I also drink green tea(caffeine is caffeine) now and care about makeup ( OH THE HORROR- that is no longer my face). The younger me would be so appalled at the current state of this blog and my life, I am pretty sure she would be drafting a post already. I have let this seep into the crevices , ignored and only there when I have a rare surge of energy and enough is enough.

Image result for growing up tumblr

I think I applied this to my blog instead

This blog demands my attention. I am more confused than I have ever been and I probably need one of those years off to go find myself in Europe but unfortunately I am both broke and not white , instead I have my words , a source of solace and contentment that I now intend to make full use of. Be prepared for a flurry of thoughts , reviews and those fun posts too ( a shrine to my former work).

A promise to myself and to my readers if any , is to post biweekly and if not I hope to be expelled to the deepest , darkest parts of the internet for my most deceitful betrayal. Lastly , it feels good to be filled with a need to write again and I hope it makes me feel better in this weird and messy part of my life ( oh , look, positivity , that’s new) and thank you to Juwie for the exceptional artwork , it was definitely the push I needed. Your loyal elfling is here to stay, Insha Allah.

 

Image result for start fresh tumblr

This is ever so cheesy and yet is all I ever want to say

 

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My reaction to Star Wars : Episode 4 (1977)

I can hear the flurry of scorn and insults thrown at me ” YOU VALUE POP CULTURE AND YET YOU HAVE NEVER WATCHED STAR WARS” . Unfortunately being born in 1998 means I missed the whole buzz and my parents were never really bring on the franchise , so it slipped out of my narrow grasp. Sure , I know the most famous spoilers that shook the very beings of its time , but really I had no deep burning desire to delve further into this universe . That is until , 2015 happened and a new movie would be released to mass critical praise and audience appeal . Was I going to let myself sit on the sidelines as it dominated all areas of pop culture ? No , I simply could not. So , today after multiple days of procrastination , I finally watched the first movie and these are my internal monologue of thoughts throughout

  • in a galaxy far far away – cool , cool iconic stuff
  • why is the information slanted how am I supposed to read this ?
  • the effects are surprisingly good for its time
  • storm troopers look like the peacekeepers from The Hunger Games (so technically peacekeepers are the rip-offs)
  • WHY DOES DARTH VADER BREATH SO HEAVILY
  • Princess Leia was rocking those buns way before Miley , they remind me of cinnabon , so I am going to call them cinnabuns
  • I see so much of myself in C-3PO , the skeptic nature and anxiety
  • “we seem to be made to suffer. It’s out lot in life” – preach C-3PO , preach
  • okay the things that kidnapped R2-D2 look like pre-schoolers in robes and sound a lot like the minions – like scarily alike
  • I ship the bromance between R2 and C-3PO
  • so people and aliens ride tame dinosaurs here? cool
  • is that an igloo on a barren planet ?
  • LUKE !! – POP CULTURE TINGLES GO INTO A FRENZY
  • so the droids are sold into slavery ? this seems like droid trafficking to me.
  • also , Luke stop finding your sister pretty (yes , another great spoiler)
  • WHO IS THIS OBI-WAN KENOBI?
  • all this talk about Luke’s dad and I want to yell “LUKE , I AM YOUR FATHER” . The greatest spoiler known to man
  • Luke stares into the sunset with that whole hero mindset vibe
  • okay so this old guy that saves Luke is obviously Obi
  • how right was I
  • LIGHTSABERS ARE SO FREAKING COOL
  • Talking about how dead Luke’s father is and I can’t help but snicker
  • Is the empire a metaphor for something ? corporations , commercialism , government  corruption?
  • the guy next to Vader has now been nicknamed general cheekbones
  • OH POOR LUKE ,I SEE SKELETONS
  • ‘These aren’t the droids you’re looking for’ – again I have heard this before , nice to finally place it into context
  • the force feels like when a vampire compels someone
  • the whole bar scene feels like someone smoked marijuana and is currently hallucinating
  • CHEWBACCA
  • jazz aliens – retro
  • INDIANA JON- I MEAN-HARRIS- HAN SOLO , I MEAN HAN SOLO
  • did he just kill something and no one around cares? Casual
  • is jabba like an intergalactic mob boss? He looks like an overgrown slug
  •  Han just called Jabba a wonderful “human being” , I went back to check if I heard correctly , I did , wtf?
  • laser beams ,drama , luke being whiny
  • poof , there goes a whole planet I had no attachment to
  • chewy and R2 are playing space chess ? This reminds me of wizard chess
  • Is believing in the force like believing in a God?
  • OKAY SO SHIZ JUST WENT DOWN AND THEY ARE GOING TOWARDS VADER AND GENERAL CHEEKBONES
  • wow stromtroopers did such a thorough search (sarcasm)
  • Okay so Obi is going off to do Obi type things
  • Luke is getting all heroic and Leia is his damsel in distress apparently
  • Han gives no shits whatsoever , did I mention I really like Han
  • YASS CHEWY SLAY DEM TROOPERS SLAY
  • Hans answering under crisis is my favourite thing ‘ oh we’re fine so fine , how are you ‘ ‘we’re sending a troop up’ ‘oh no wait we have a gas leak’

  • Darth and Obi face off to come
  • GO LEIA SLAY GURL SLAY – BE YOUR OWN HERO ,YOU DON’T NEED NO MAN
  • I ship Hans and Leia – cue internet yelling at me for focusing on ships and not the character’s role in the epic story , just leave me and my hopeless romantic shipper heart alone.
  • so they’re in some type of sewer trash type place and ANACONDA IS THAT YOU?
  • LUKE , WHERE YOU AT BOY?
  • C-3PO  is my spirit animal
  • ” big walking carpet”- 1000 crying laughter face emojis
  • obi walks around with no disguise and no one questions him or notices? Normal , very normal.
  • laser beam here , laser beam there , laser beam everywhere.
  • some boderline incestual contact there with the siblings
  • okay confrontation , lightsabers at the ready
  • * 2 minutes later* – still fighting no actual winner
  • WHERE YOU AT OBI?
  • side note : Leia was in a trash shoot why is her dress so pristine and white still? Does space have non-stain fabric because I could use that
  • ALL A PLOY – PLOT TWIST
  • Leia is a smarticle
  • boring stuff …
  • Obi speaks from beyond
  • plane stuff .. boring .. boring..
  • DARTH VADER TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
  • ACTION , MORE ACTION
  • HAN CAME BACK YO
  • R2 YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS
  • Luke being all heroic – naturally
  • chewy deserves a medal of valour too
  • HAPPY ENDING ???
  • I’M CONFUSE

To round up , I geniunely enjoyed watching this movie and saw myself in C-3PO . I fangirled plenty over Han and Leia’s witty banter and the general whimsical and highly original nature of the tale , you can see the tremendous hard-work and love poured into this work of art. I will further venture into this franchise and be proud that I can finally understand all the jokes and references . I hope you enjoyed my terrible monologue

 

2015 in a nutshell

It’s that time of the year again where we are so close to the end that we can finally round all the good and bad that occurred in this short but relevant space of time. These choices will be based on obviously my own biased opinion and strenuous research ( I TAKE MY POP CULTURE SERIOUSLY).

SONG OF THE YEAR

This is a tough one for obvious reasons and sadly , after much deliberation , I CHEATED and chose two.

Watch me (Whip/Nae Nae) – SILENTO

It is beyond me how this became as popular as it did despite being created by a 17 year old , but hey it defined an entire year and that is pretty stank-ing amazing.

naenae

Can’t feel my face – The Weeknd

This song was only played on every radio station about 499 times per day naturally, having links to cocaine , it sure is an addictive tune.

BEST/ WORST/ ANIMATED MOVIES

BEST: Mad Max : Fury Road

I personally have no idea what goes on in this movie and haven’t watched it yet but if ratings are something to go by this sure was a winner. Look out for badass females ,  magnificent explosions and Tom Hardy.

WORST : Pixels

It stars Adam Sandler , need I say more?

 

ANIMATED : Inside Out

The movie that proved Pixar could be great again . It was wonderfully imaginative , featured a talented voice cast and literally brought THE FEELS.

BREAKOUT ACTOR/ ACTRESS

ACTOR : Eddie Redmayne

Slightly ginger , dashing British accent  and has killer cheekbones . This guy is hot off the heels winning both an Oscar and a Golden Globe for his perfomance in The Theory of everything and facing a new wave of nominations for The Danish Girl . He is also set to star in the Harry Potter prequel of sorts Fantastic Beasts and where to find them and I for one cannot wait.

ACTRESS: Alicia Vikander

I see you wondering who the heck I could be referring to ,but trust me you will want to remember this talented Swede’s name . She starred in the critically accalimed cyber thriller Ex-Machina , garnered a Golden Globe nomination for The Danish Girl and happens to be dating the uber sexy Michael Fassbender . She is going to do big things with her acting career , I guarantee it.

VIRAL SENSATION : The Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge

The youngest Jenner is infamous for larger than life , albeit fake lips and many tried to recreate this look and the results were terrifying. The entrepreneur Kylie , used this publicity to launch a lip kit but I can’t help but wonder if she decided to include her plastic surgeon’s number in there too.

THIS YEAR BELONGED TO : Gigi Hadid , Catlyn Jenner and Taylor Swift

I would be more than okay never having to hear these names again after being bombarded by them all year.

BADASS :  Akon

He made it possible for 600 million Africans to have access to electricity . YES , I DO BELIEVE HELPING PEOPLE IS BADASS.

GREATEST COMEBACK : Justin Bieber and Adele

Me :Hello , it’s me

you : what do you mean?

Justin’s image was on the road to redemption before releasing his new album Purpose which is surprisingly catchy and now we have new beliebers floating in , when they previously hated his music. Adele , however smashed in effortlessly blowing us away with her incredible vocals and of course obliterating Taylor’s vevo record.

 

 

 

SCANDAL: Zayn Malik leaving One Direction

Tears flooded timelines , lives were potentially destroyed and this occurred all before the much awaited concert in South Africa ( we don’t deserve nice things) . The 14 year old directioner in me was deeply saddened but I do wish him the best of luck in his solo career.

 

2015 , you have been emotionally harrowing , crazy and also rather beautiful . You will forever-more be immortalized in this post and I hope 2016 is a heck of a lot better.

If Social Media were drinks

We live in a fast paced world that has us glued to our dimly lit screens almost constantly and usually we owe this addiction and sometimes complete waste of time to Social Media. Yes , the thing that keeps evolving and new ones sprout up out of the blue and well at first our parents hate it , but when they join it , it is not longer cool. In this post , vaguely inspired by Troye Sivan’s video where he personified social media , I will be going through what social media would be if they were well known drinks. This is in fact biased and has no scientific evidence , deal with it.

Tumblr – Voss water

Tumblr , just like water happens to sustain life . It sustains the life of multiple fandoms , sad poetry , some of the best memes and glorious photography. But , it isn’t just any water , oh no , it is the best of the best , the cut above the rest : VOSS , of course because it’s all about the aesthetic at the end of the day.

Twitter – coffee

The underlying component of coffee is well , caffeine. It provides the energy needed for those all night twitter owls and can be seemingly as refreshingly addictive as your timeline. Twitter is known for being hyperactive and universally loved by most people with a brain (oh wait nevermind , it is also the home to most bigots an politicians too). There also different ways to tweet , you can be a bitter sugarless hater ,an over the top frothy fangirl or just plan and simple average-cuppa-joe.

Facebook – Coke 

Facebook started off big and made millions and is still sadly relatively popular today . It is one of those things you know you shouldn’t drink but once you get a taste , you’re hooked (temporarily).

Snapchat – EVERY ALCOHOL EVER

The new kid on the block is doing everything it possibly can to stay relevant and can often be confusing at times. One moment you’re watching pointless 300 second long snapstories and living vicariously from the comfort of your couch and the next you’re reading refreshing articles. Mostly , just like after consuming alcohol you may regret your actions like that snap you sent , as there are always handy screenshotters at the ready to have your mistakes saved forever .Both alcohol and snapchat have a habit of making you lose your clothes (hint :those nudes you shouldn’t have sent) (NOTE : just like alochol snapchat’s terms and conditions seem to be a bit fuzzy too , You have been warned).

YouTube- Flavoured water

Water , as stated before sustains life and is the original contender on the block , but then came flavoured water , with new possibilities and unidentifiable health risks . You know it probably isnt good for you ,but you drink it anyway . There are different flavours for everyone , like if you’re in the mood for music videos , pranks , general vlogging , make up gurus or a tutorial on basically anything.

 

Vine – RedBull

Vine is basically that hyperactive kid running around screaming random things as quickly as possible in the hopes of going viral ( or gaining wings). It also has negative side effects that we sometimes overlook, like launching the careers of Nash Grier and Cameron Dallas

Pintrest – Chardonnay

Classy , refined , tasteful and possibly run by middle-aged housewives , pintrest is the go to for DIY ideas and once you join you’re pinned for life.

Google + – Pepsi

The cheaper cousin of Facebook , who tried out the formula but was missing a key ingredient , yet still lingers in the hopes of one day catching on.

 

Well ,that’s a wrap and I am rather thirsty now . Comment down below if you disagree and what the drink you think a social media represents.

How not to do International Coffee Day

Today is in fact international coffee day , second only to my Birthday in my books , as it celebrates the existence of the elixir that both sustains and ruins my life. The following story I am about to tell is based on actual evens that occurred this very morning.

Just before the sun rose over the horizon I gently slipped out of bed and took my laptop upstairs to the study (my second home). Here , I had planned to concoct the perfect study timetable to ensure success in my upcoming final exams . It was complete and colour coded to OCD perfection. Once completed , I scurried off to the kitchen to eat some breakfast and interestingly enough my mum had just baked a batch of scones . Now one would normally consume ones coffee , but of course I decided against it and decided to ingest water instead ( trying to be healthy) and it is here that the trouble started. After packing my bag and donning my dreadful school uniform for one of the last times , it finally hit me that today was in fact ” international coffee day” and what kind of caffeinated elfling would I be if I simply ignored it ? (answer: a terrible one) .

Being the absolute genius that I am ,I decided to make a cup of coffee and carry it to school in one of those carrier flasks and sip away the extra hour early at which I was dropped off at school. My steaming hot cup of hugs was ready and I casually placed the flask down on the study table in order to gather my things . In a matter of a second and one flick from my school bag , the VERY MUCH CLOSED flask was knocked over and the mess ensued . My plan was fullproof but my laptop was not coffeeproof. The sticky brown liquid seeped into the crevices of my keyboard at an alarming rate and beside it lay my very study timetable drenched and deteriorating . It took a few more seconds for my brain to process my stupidity before I realised that I too , was covered in coffee . My mind rushed as I picked up my laptop with its now ironic “love coffee” sticker plastered on the surface . I turned it around and hurriedly tried to remove the excess coffee and yelled for help while slowly dying inside.

In the end there was nothing more I could than confess to my parents and face the sticky consequences. Subsequently I did not go to school due to my spiralling emotions and am dreading drinking another cup of coffee. Suffice to say I may have been “stained” for life.

This was of course not typed out on my own laptop for obvious reasons . I just hope we manage to sort everything out and I figured blogging would be a good release . I give you full permission to laugh at my misery , at least then I know someone got something good out of this .

HOPEFULLY YOUR INTERNATIONAL COFFEE DAY GOES BETTER THAN MINE ( I still love coffee okay , at least I think so …)

In a world without coffee for my laptop however there would be no chaos and darkness ( especially since the screen went black after the spill)

How to do New year’s eve the right way , the loner way

It’s safe to say that we have reached the end of 2014 (who knew I mean what with all the pretentious instagram posts and parties I haven’t been invited to) . Honestly today is not my favourite day , perhaps because I am shackled to parents and my best friends are away in other countries . So this is for you , any other bored , borderline depressed unattached loner on this night and my unpractised , pathetic attempts to surviving the last day of 2014.

First things first (I am the realest .. okay no please let us leave this in 2014) let go of all the ill feelings you may be harbouring for those people who probably deserve it but are definitely not worth it. And once you’re done pretending to be a good person , go right back to hating them.

Next have a game plan in mind , it takes a few hours for the day to actually end so you must naturally seem at least to the outside world , competent enough to have some semblance of a social life , however small it may be. Try convincing your parents to take you out for supper , somewhere fancy and sought after , get all dressed up for no reason and then commence to document it on you snapchat story. It takes about an hour before you start convincing yourself that suicide is good option because your parents are suffocating you with their company (I love you mum and dad if you ever read this) , so before dashing home stop at some trendy ice cream place , just to seem extravagant and seemingly happy.

Once you’re home , the infuriating and pointless wait begins , to kill time I recommend eating anything edible lying around and lots of it , wishing your friends in other time zones , binge watching tv series and movies , contemplating what a disaster this year has been and the most important of all being scouring the happiest parts of the internet for a tumblresque , clichéd 2015 picture to upload on almost every social network . I do however understand that sleep is important and you may just dose off and miss it entirely , set an alarm for 10 minutes before so you look fresh faced and ready to kiss your pillow or laptop (I wont judge) or if you do miss it pretend to be too preoccupied to even notice.

There the full proof way to surviving new years eve , I hope you don’t need it . GOODBYE 2014 , YOU ARE DEAD TO ME , HELLO 2015 , PLEASE DONT SUCK

What does your cereal say about you?

Ever read a magazine article with a similar title to mine but instead it talks bout horoscopes , names , shoes or other trivial nonsense? Well I felt inspired by these articles that I have never read and put my investigative skills to work. Presenting a completely biased , inaccurate , humorous view on what your cereal says about you (picture this on glossy pages)

Here goes nothing:

From : whatever magazine would publish this

Crunchy, smooth , fluid-filled or just plain . You wake up , go about your daily morning rituals , in your sleepy haze a box awaits. The box is followed by a bowl ,spoon and usually milk. By now you know I am referring to the grains that start your day , and yet these grains are simply not limited to time frame , they ,may be consumed at all hours.

What is cereal? Yes a food normally consumed at breakfast , because who has time for a gourmet breakfast and we are just plain lazy due to the lack of a butler. Naturally some like variety but I cannot commit to a cereal , so I am a cereal slut trying out new ones around every 3 months , clearly I will have issues in an actual relationship But enough about me , I tried to involve some public consensus and if you don’t know the names of the cereal because you aren’t South African then Google my friend.

mold mereal

COCO POPS 

Coco pops shows a strong attachment to childhood and chocolate . You are probably immature and eat this at all hours , try an adult cereal from now and then to shake things up.

CORN FLAKES

Well aren’t you plain , precise and downright ordinary or in teen speak ” omg you’re so basic” . Also you might have OCD tendencies like how many flakes are in the bowl. Try and shake things up from time to time.

SPECIAL K

Know that you are beautiful and don’t need the media to tell you to lose weight to be beautiful , so please eat something that doesn’t taste like cardboard , unless you like the cereal bars because those are amazing.

STRAWBERRY POPS AND MILO CEREAL

You think you’re hipster but you’re really mainstream , but I wont deny following trends does have its upsides.

OATS AND FRUIT

clearly a very damaged and deranged soul. WHY WOULD YOU VOLANTARILY SUBJECT YOURSELF TO OATS?

MUSELI

if you’re feeling fancy you can call this granola , but really you’re not to bad and maybe you’re a nice person living on the healthier side of life , or just pretending to.

FUTURE LIFE (MY LATEST EX CEREAL)

You probably buy into delusions and believe that this will fill you contentedly when it really lies.

AL BRAN FLAKES

Probably constipated.

Disclaimer : the views and opinions expressed above are not to be taken seriously but are a true devotion to cereal and a generalised view. Also I may or may not be eating cereal now

follow me on twitter : @faatimahE