How I Survived Over A Month Without WiFi

Disclaimer: yes, I understand my inherent privilege and that millions of people don’t have access to WiFi. My problem is a very first world one for a third world gal. But take it with a pinch of salt and humour

It started one summer eve, the light left the sky and I retreated to my cave to do what I do best, scroll. It was here I was confronted with the prehistoric creature inviting me to an internet-less existence, making me one with itself(thanks, chrome dinosaur). At first instinct, I panicked, but it was not a problem I had not faced before. The towering Telkom has regularly and ruthlessly cut off my access to the world. My father and resident useless commander of our fort tackled the problem head-on, only to be left on hold.

The days grew longer, and my eagerness to attend university increased. The networks used to further academic excellence were now tainted and used to download Korean dramas, send snap streaks and relentlessly Instagram stalk. I apologize to every student who was trying to do work and thank them for bearing with my abuse.

My truest ally came in the form of the mystical capitalist haven also known as Starbucks. There I sat with my MacBook imposter Lenovo laptop, sipping overpriced coffee and finishing up assignments. Employees handed me free tea samples and strangers politely smiled as we shared a plug point, adding strength to face my adversity.

Friends proved themselves in my time of need. Pictures were never sent, but merely described and my Snapchat password floated to the next available streak sender. They so kindly took me in, sheltered, fed and connected me as the Telkom continued its torment. But it also came with being dragged on many occasions and being left behind on certain memes. My problem actually spread to a friend, but alas her shortage lasted 5 days only.

Vodacom thoroughly benefited as my demise continued. As if their data prices weren’t high enough we faced the VAT increase. My reluctant parents helped me waste money to refresh a timeline and download notes. Then I turned on them and started kicking off my parent’s devices from the hotspot because I prioritized succession notes over my mother’s latest Instagram recipe craze. In times like this, your true colours really show and my inner dictator prevailed.

In the end, I came out stronger, my academics probably benefited and I tested my own levels of tolerance, which admittedly aren’t very high. In the midst of it all, my aforementioned fake MacBook charger also broke and took weeks to be replaced, adding to the growing anxiety. Now that the promised land of content has been returned to me, I feel like a kid in a virtual candy store (for lack of a better metaphor). You mean I can spend a day watching just YouTube videos? My wireless printer will work? More than 2 seconds of an episode can be streamed? I am overwhelmed with my power and will never take my WiFi for granted again.

As for Telkom, all I can say is “DO BETTER”.

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All Things Twitter With Local Tweleb @Anjalaaay

You may know her as the unsung pun hero of local twitter or that girl who was just featured on BuzzFeed. In her personal sphere, Anjali is a 22-year-old Med student dabbling in embroidery and always providing us with relatable tweets in now 240 characters or less! Sometimes, the occasional article gets written about her, so I decided to ask to interview her for my all of ten readers, which she kindly agreed to.

anjali1.  When did you first join Twitter and start to enjoy using the platform?

I joined Twitter in 2011 when I was in grade 9. I didn’t really know what to do on it, but I got it because other people were talking about this new platform and celebrities were using it. I mainly interacted with my friends (replied to all my mentions, liked and retweeted everything). From the start, I used Twitter to express my sense of humour and things that I found funny. Most of the time other people didn’t find them funny, but I tweeted my puns and stupid jokes out anyway. I had about 200 followers back then and every time I got 4 or more RTs I was delighted. In 2015, when I started university, I decided to dedicate more time to social media (obviously a very appropriate time to do this). I remember always thinking that the popular people on (Muslim) Twitter who had 1000+ followers were unimaginably cool that I said to my friends one day, “I’m going to become part of Muslim Twitter.” I started following more people, and that’s what helped me gain a following. I’d say that the time I started aiming for that goal was when I really started enjoying Twitter as a platform. Although the character of my humour has shifted from being light-hearted and pun-based to being more self-deprecating, self-critical and reflective, the overall aim of my Twitter account has remained the same: I want to make people happier, even if they just crack a tiny smile at something stupid I’ve said.

[speaking as a member of Muslim Twitter, we are one hot mess]

  2. How has the platform helped you grow as a person? 

The biggest thing I’ve gained from Twitter is access to other people’s knowledge, opinions and perspectives. I’ve come to understand why Fees Must Fall, Black Lives Matter, LGBTQ+ rights, Me Too and every other big political movement is important because I have had the opportunity to read ordinary people’s real experiences. I have also learned to be observant of the injustices around me and be more open to the opinions and experiences I have as a millennial, woman, and medical student. I get a lot of comfort from Twitter, seeing that almost everything I struggle with is not unique to me, and thousands of other people on this platform are going through similar problems while supporting each other with humour and advice. I think the more I share, the more I can give that comfort and humour back to my followers.

[ at least we know the secret to her success and relatability now]

3. How do you balance the demands of your degree and maintain an online presence?

To be honest, Twitter is very often a source of procrastination for me. I’ve found myself scrolling through it while I’m supposed to be studying, and it is often during these moments that I come up with my most frequent and best tweets. However, Twitter has never solely gotten in the way of my pursuit of academic success because I am already an easily distracted person who will always find something that’ll sidetrack me. Adding on to that, tweeting is not a time-consuming action at all. I don’t dedicate time every day to think only about crafting tweets; instead, they are created in the form of sudden thoughts. I immediately spend 30 seconds making sure my thought is worded in a comprehensive and amusing way, and I either save it to be tweeted later or tweet it immediately. There has never been a need to balance demands because tweeting is not demanding to me at all.

[ we could all probably learn a thing or two in terms of time management and academic excellence from Anjali, me especially for that test I should be studying for]

4. Do you feel confident representing our country and local Twitter on such a global platform?

I don’t entirely see myself as a good representative for South Africa on Twitter, mainly because I am part of such a small minority. I’m Indian and a medical student, two things that most South Africans are not. If someone were to ask me to identify the best aspects of SA Twitter, I’d point them to every black person on there because black people are incredibly funny and encompass the true essence of SA spirit and culture. Black Twitter is definitely the fun portion of Twitter. I’ve learned a lot from South African black Twitter myself and I always laugh at their tweets (when they’re in English lolololol). I find Cape Town is a bit more relatable to me, and I think I fit in well with the local Twitter crowd (although I don’t have many friends on the platform). I’d feel more confident representing local Twitter. Overall, I just try to express my more general thoughts and experiences as a student, a person in their 20s, a person of colour, et cetera. I do this so that I can appeal to and be relatable to more people.

[As a fellow South African Indian woman, I thank you for your representation of us]

5. Which of your tweets did you never expect to go viral and why?

I never expect any of my tweets to go viral, to be honest. When one of them does I’m always so surprised. Sometimes I’ll craft a tweet and put a lot of effort into wording it just right and I think, “This is hilarious, it’s definitely going to go viral.” Those ones never do. Instead, it’s always the ones that require minimal thought and effort that blow up. I’ve never understood why that is and I never will, but such is the unpredictable nature of virality.

[It never is the tweets we think it will be]

6. How does your family feel about the fame surrounding you? 

The thing is, I’m not famous because no one recognises me in person and my popularity on Twitter doesn’t impact my life in a way that my family would recognise. Therefore, they don’t have any strong feelings about my Twitter “fame”. Sometimes they’ll ask me how many followers I currently have, and when I tell them they’re temporarily in awe, but the conversation moves on swiftly. My cousins sometimes talk about my Twitter, but again, it’s never a big deal to me.

[ I can’t imagine how many times your tweets have ended up as WhatsApp stories]

7. Do you often get dragged for being a “Tweleb” by your friends? 

I do, all the time. My friends Azrah and Hoosain exaggerate how “famous” I am at least once a day and talk about how they want to meet Kanye West through me, stuff like that. When someone else mentions in person that I’m popular on Twitter, I know that as soon as that person walks away I’m going to get dragged. I won’t lie, it’s pretty funny when they do that and I always fail to keep a straight face.

[when you do meet Kanye, please ask him to stop designing whatever he has been tweeting lately, for the greater good, we need you!]

8. Is there now a pressure to always be tweeting relatable and popular content?

Sometimes. I go through phases where I can come up with lots of good tweets every day for weeks, but other times life becomes stressful and busy and I struggle to think of something good to tweet. I often start to panic if I can’t come up with a good tweet, but I try to draft at least one per day to maintain my account and give people a reason to keep following me.

[She’s human too guys!]

9. When can we expect Anjali merch (I am not kidding)?

Probably never! If anyone is interested, I do embroidery as a hobby and take custom orders. I’ll have a website soon (www.anjalaaay.com) through which you can place orders.

[ I am counting on all ten of my readers to support Anjali’s future endeavours and yes, I made the same joke twice. Life is tough.]

10. What would you like to say to the people who have supported you and watched you grow over the years? 

I really want to be humble, but I might not sound humble when I say this, so please excuse me for a moment. I would like to say thank you to everyone who has followed me, taken the time to read any of my tweets and allowed me to have some impact on their emotional state (hopefully only positive!). There are people who have been following me since 2015, and some even before that. You guys are really the best. I’ve learned so much from all of you over the years, and I will always try to contribute to the pool of humorous and relatable content on Twitter because it is you guys whom I want to make happy. I love Twitter because it’s filled with thousands of amazing people and countless opportunities for growth that I’m so grateful for. So, in essence, thank you for following me and I hope you will continue enjoying my tweets!

I’d like to conclude by thanking Anjali for her time and insight. I hope you had as much fun answering these questions as I did making them. I cannot wait to see you enjoy unbridled success in the future.

Lastly, I will leave a list of Anjali’s greatest hits.

The Types of Group chats

As a self-proclaimed group chat junkie, with roughly 40 graced with my membership, I think I am more than qualified to pen a post on the many types of group chats that plague our text-based society. These nifty social tools have brought some of the best people into my life.

The immediate family group chat

This usually includes mum, dad and your siblings. The daily messages entail random broadcasts, dinner plans, pictures of nieces and nephews and the occasional “put your light off/ PLEASE BRING TAKE-OUT”. Recently, my dad’s new hobby is digging up my childhood pictures and meme-ing me.

The extended family group chat

Here, we branch out to cousins, uncles and the one grandparent who isn’t wifi-challenged. It is a hotbed for hoax messages, subtle brags about your auntie’s son’s nephew who got straight A’s but not into med school because of that darn BEE(ps this is me mocking the Indian entitlement with regards to admission, not agreeing). This also happens to be the home of cringe-inducing memes that should have died on Facebook, in 2009.

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The main friend group chat 

Yes, boys, this where the screenshots of your messages are circulated and picked apart, the dragging goes down and the crying laughing emoji is in great abundance. This chat is the glue to my fragile being.

The campus friend group chat

Common messages include: “are you on campus yet?” , ” you free?”, “shot for the invite to that thing the rest of you attended”

The degree related group chat

You probably hate half the people on this group chat but stay for that one smart and kind person who is willing to shares notes and tips.

  • Anyone got notes for section 2.2.1?
  • Sign the register for me
  • Which venue is the test in?

The high school friend group chat

You may feel bad to leave. It’s perfect to vent about the girl you collectively despised and had an awkward run-in with at the grocery store. The lit-ness also drastically increases during holiday periods.

The one you made for a meet-up and forgot to leave

I really don’t know why I haven’t left this yet

The fandom group chat

Here it is completely okay to share kdrama stills, game of thrones spoilers and BTS gifs. It is a safe haven for unhinged fangirls.

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The three-person group chat

Humans by nature are exclusive beings, sometimes having just three people feels right and people have different interests and levels of tolerance. Statistically, these are the most successful group chats, yes, I made up that statistic.

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The one you made on a whim that no one really one talks on anymore

SELF- EXPLANATORY

The internet friend group chat

This chat keeps my soul alive. Book recommendations and home remedies are shared,  story times fill our nights with spice and we just support each other, no matter the distance.

Group chats have revolutionised social circles and not being in the “one” can have drastic self-esteem ramifications (well, at least for me). For a lazy person such as myself, not having to type out the same message to my all of three friends is perfect, even if no one replies when we try to make plans and all of them are muted. Shoutout to twitter, snapchat and Instagram for also allowing me to send tweets and posts, it really has facilitated conversation in the modern age and lastly, to the addictive “tag urself” memes for having a persona for every member. Long live the inside jokes no one else will get and make sure you send those messages to the right chat.

 

Kdramas: A Journey 

WARNING: THEY WILL MAKE YOU CRAVE NOODLES AT ODD HOURS.

If you spend any considerable amount of time on the Internet and consider yourself a Television connoisseur much like myself, then you would have heard of K dramas. A.K.A Korean dramas. What was once a niche fandom, has exploded in recent years, Kpop as well has quite literally(yeah ted mosby is yelling at me for using it in this fashion) taken over the globe. 

I was very skeptical at first, and was blinded by only mainstream white romances given to me on screen and the occasional Bollywood extravaganza. There was a whole world of fluff I let go unnoticed and it truly is a shame that I came this far in life without them. 


While I was on YouTube about a month ago, doing my general browsing and binging, a video recommendation came up. “5 easy k dramas to get into for beginners” and my heart was set. At first the subtitles are bit disconcerting, the bright lights of Seoul attack your senses and so the campy effects and THEY REALLY LOVE SCREAMING. The characters are over the top in every manner, effects almost cartoonish and it just takes time to adjust to the unfamiliar cultural ways. Once you let yourself become immersed, there is no escape.  


Korean men dazzle you with their dewy skin, soft hair and coat + polar neck combos leave you WEAK. Seriously, Koreans are SO insanely fashionable, and it’s really cold it seems so it’s a plus for me in terms of modest clothing ideas. The actions are lively and the romances are sickly sweet but in all the best ways. It’s like cotton candy, you know you shouldn’t devour it, but once your start, you can’t stop yourself.. you might even reach for seconds. 


The first time drama I watched, resulted in me sleeping at 6AM, in pursuit of finishing it. They’re quite nifty and around 16 hours of pure enjoyment, and one season so no nasty cliffhangers but just expected romantic fulfillment. About 6 more dramas down the line, I don’t know who I was before them. I can speak a little Korean and can mimic iconic mannerisms and gestures, my soul is no longer my own but rather in SEOUL(see what I did there?) and a me a stereotypical Apple customer, finds myself attracted to ridiculous Samsungs. I’ve learned about concepts such as “second lead syndrome”, made memes from certain poetic scenes and mostly irritated the hell out of my friends with my constant Kwoes.

I can’t even describe how light and committed I feel when I start a new drama(also not all are good, I will attest to this) but hits all the tingly heart pleasure centers and I radiate positivity, that is when I’m not screaming at my screen when some utterly ridiculous obstacle gets in the way of my OTP(so about every five seconds roughly)

I’d recommend them to anyone who LOVES ROMANCE, sassy characters and who is willing to get to know a different culture with an non judgmental lens and also ready to never have a social life again. They’re progressive and fresh there is one for almost every mood, time period or ridiculous scenario. You might wonder how far back American TV really is and if you’re not too risqué this is as PG as it gets, I assure you and strangely, rather insightful. 

Aladdin Casting Discourse And My One Wish To Rectify It. 

On July 15th, its as announced that the leads of Aladdin had been found, after much scrutiny and uproar over Riz Ahmed and Dev Patel being passed on. Mena Massoud is our delightful titular character of Aladdin and is of Egyptian descent, his casting was met with generally positive comments, however with Naomi Scott as the Arabian princess jasmine, fans and Internet trolls alike were angered. 

 

Let’s get the facts and my personal opinions on the matter straight. Naomi is half English, and half Indian according to herself and most sources. Her mother was born in Uganda and emigrated to the United Kingdom. Do I believe the role of Jasmine should have gone to an Arab? Hell yes, be we can’t solely blame Naomi for the casting decision and we need to have an open discussion on Disney’s problematic  Portrayal of middle eastern culture in the film. 

Setting and culture: 

The backdrop to the famous tale which in early versions is of Chinese origin is the fictional city of Agrabah. Conveniently located near the Jordan river and has a large Taj Mahal-Esque monument at the city centre. Jasmine is the daughter of a Sultan, which also existed in India and had a pet tiger named Rajah. Tigers are predominantly found in India and a symbol of the county and the name Rajah means Indian prince or king. My point is, for a movie set in Arabia, there is a ton of South Asian influence, with these being only a few examples. 

Brown skin 

Both Aladdin and Jasmine are undoubtedly PoC and displayed brown skin in the animated classic. As a kid with brown skin, surrounded by white princesses, they meant a lot to me and how I felt represented. However, as I grow older and hopefully wiser, I understand now that brown people are NOT interchangeable, now matter how included I felt. When the live action film was first announced, the Internet raced to draft their fancasts and at the forefront were Desi actors and Bollywood stars. Avan Jogia with his tousled brown locks and Zayn Malik with his melodious voice were amongst the most popular contenders. Keep in mind, the Internet had no issues that both these gentlemen are in fact, mixed(in an almost identical way to Naomi)

In Hollywood, when you’re brown, the only acting jobs available to you are that of the taxi driver or terrorist variety. There’s no discrimination in terms of your exact shade of brown or your ethnicity,  that tinge of melanin makes you perfect to mutter incoherent Arabic or have no lines at all. 

Dear Disney, I’m giving you one request. Grant me one wish with your magic lamp. It may seem like a big one, but I think it might solve some problems. You’ve already made the mistake of confusing cultures, so rectify it. Address Naomi’s heritage in the film, address the mix of cultures present at the time in the hustle and bustle of a busy city filled with travelers and merchants from different nations.  It might make a world of a difference. 

In light of the casting of Naomi, she’s received a ton of hatred and backlash. Her ethnicity is being picked apart and rumours are floating around that her mother is also mixed, making her “3/4” white. She herself, has contradicted this statement. When power rangers released, she was lauded as a PoC rep, but as jasmine, she’s suddenly too white. It must be slightly horrifying to have your identity butchered by strangers on the internet. I don’t defend her choice to take on the role and deny an Arab actress, but I do understand it. It’s the role of a lifetime for any PoC actress, who is already limited by Hollywood’s Eurocentric standards. 

Disney executives made the choice to include south Asians when it came to casting, and the same behind the scenes team chose Naomi for the iconic role, yet they aren’t vilified to the extent that she is. If the past decade is any indication as to Hollywood’s treatment of PoC culture in film, we got off mildly. I’m not saying that we should accept their decisions, but it is a small step forward in terms of representation. If we look at the Prince of Persia, we had the Jake Gyllenhaal parading around with fellow spicy white, Gemma Aterton. In addition, we have two-timer Ben Kingsley( mixed English and Gujarati heritage) featuring in both Imposter of Persia and Avan Jogia’s (Indian and European ancestry) King Tut. Avan and Ben are both very much not Egyptian, yet proceeded with the projects anyway. With Aladdin adding South Asian elements to the film, it gave Disney the loophole to cast someone much like Naomi as Princess Jasmine. 

 If we take anything from this, it would be that there’s still a long way to go in terms of PoC representation. We should fight for our causes but think about people who are taking on those roles and who let them take on the roles. For now, I just hope the rest of the cast is mainly Arab, we know Will Smith as the genie is not, but considering that the genie was a magical entity voiced by Robin Williams, I am going to let it slide. Be mindful of the hate you spew, and let’s just hope for the best. 

Then again, a friend did tag me in this hilariously accurate meme. Same name and almost exact age, DRAG ME.

Being the Ringmaster to the circus within my brain

While my life can very much be compared to a duller version of a circus and I do have a cat more than willing to jump through fiery hoops(sans animal cruelty), it is the one lurking within, that I address. Controlling and chaotic, feverishly entertaining and yet, dark enough to depress.

It starts with the seamless orchestration of this idea of perfection I have in mind. There is no room for error. I am performing acrobatic leaps of an irrational nature- reaching new bounds. Your friends secretly hate you. A B? pathetic really.

I juggle too. Happiness, reality and my goals. While one soars high above, the others remain compromised. Happiness rarely gets a chance at the top.In between acts, a clown appears to taunt me for my stupidity. Handkerchiefs for my tears and a red nose swapped out for red eyes.

I bend and contort myself to please others, resembling whatever shape they desire.Really, I am suffocating, trapped amongst my thoughts, never thinking outside the box I let society put me in.The adrenaline pumping, my heart furiously punching out of my chest and an audience, cheering, mesmerized by how close I walk the tightrope of failure. Warm popcorn and sticky candyfloss packets, stay littered like stray thoughts, fulfilling in the moment, trash in retrospect.

It is to you I bow my hat and curtsy, my mind. Wracked by anxiety and paranoia, putting on this dazzling show. Extravagant lights and a red topped tent. You invite people to cheer on the charade. The price of a ticket?Why only a portion of my happiness

 

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The anti-lifestyle blog

Blogging culture in recent years has exploded, every second person on Instagram reviews makeup or cafes and is doing an elaborate giveaway with an up and coming brand. I am proud of their success and at times, yes, a little envious,  because I too would like to enjoy the fruits of free stuff- I am Indian after all. I have, however, resided myself to the fact, that I will never be able to maintain such a facade. A self-proclaimed hermit studying tirelessly- in between binging new series and not living my best life. My life is too mundane to grace your feeds with that perfectly timed aesthetic coffee shot(You know, the one where you had to rearrange the sugar bowl and ask your friend to move their hand out of the shot). If you want to know my days usually go, well, you are in for a wild, thrilling and utterly boring ride.

7-8 AM- usually get out of bed, scroll through social media for a good few minutes. Breakfast is toast and butter or on the days when I’m watching my chiseled physique- special K, otherwise known as flavoured cardboard.

How to get my look: own a pair or jeans, loose culottes or tights and pair it with a collared shirt(the ones that were in like 3 years ago) or if you are at home- comfy sweats and literally any t-shirt with an ironic/ quirky saying. Sometimes a fangirl shirt- where maybe 5 people compliment you and the rest stare in bemusement.

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On my way to campus: It’s time for me to send my daily scheduled “I hate my life, I’d like this day to end” snapchat(with the latest adorable filter) to my many adoring fans( A.K.A my friends who have no choice but to entertain my whims). Sometimes, I throw in a ridiculous pun or two

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9-12: I try my hardest not to fall asleep in lectures and ask myself at least three times, why I pay half a home loan to have people read slides to me in a monotonous, monotone voice. On days off, I am probably on my fifth episode of the day and or still asleep.

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1-2: Ahh lunch, last night’s leftovers, a cheese sandwich or savouries, Mighty appetizing, totally worth the gram.

Late afternoon: I get home, seek out my cat who runs away from me and has more of a social life and then proceed to nap away my misery.

Evening: the overwhelming existential crisis strikes, I contemplate dropping out of uni and marrying a rich old billionaire or getting off my ass and starting to study for my test or doing the tut I am itching to skip.

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Supper: Depends on my mother’s mood and level of “today I want to outdo all the other mothers and try a new kitchen queen’s recipe” or here have toasted cheese.

The hours before I drift into nothingness: scroll, scroll, hahaha funny meme, sends to/tags friend. More memes, tweet something no one else finds funny or cares about, scroll, scroll, existential crisis part 2 because I read about Trump’s presidency or literally anything in the news, shade someone, scroll, scroll.

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PEACEFUL SLUMBER: dreams of meeting my favourite South Asian actors and or an irrelevant twitter crush.

So there you have it, friends. My hauls include hauling myself out of bed, a review of that person I tried not to make eye contact with and products used: the most important of all and highly coveted: WILL TO LIVE.

Disclaimer: while this is, in fact, how most of my days end up, I love fashion, makeup and trying out cute cafes- I just do it far less often than I would like. 

 

That time I did a makeup haul- NOT CLICKBAIT

DISCLAIMER: This post is to humorously bring light to the hypocrisy and falsehoods prevalent amongst the beauty community and in a satirical manner.Personally, I would know nothing about makeup without bloggers and YouTubers and love watching their hauls, tutorials and reviews, however some are more trustworthy than others. Take this with a pinch of salt and a good laugh.

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*lights scented candle amongst myriads of fairy lights to set mood*

Hello my lovelies,

As you all know I am well known South-African based beauty blogger and the basis of piggybacked opinions by dozens of impressionable viewers. This  haul will features almost everything necessary for a full face of makeup and will include a variety of high-end(not available here at any reasonable price or ease) and drugstore, because we don’t discriminate based on budget- just skin colour. I reserve the right to tell you whether or not I received any of the products for free.

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To set the stage for the master illusion, start off with a good pore-filling primer. My holy-grail is the Benefit Pore-fessional, as it really showcases how poorly professional I can be and fills in the crevices of my facade, with the added bonus of making it last for 16 hours.

Next, we move on to Foundation, with every layer lighter than my neck, I build up a bigger, deluded fan-base. I use the L’oreal- pro matte- infallible of course, much like myself.

Concealer is possibly most important, fortunately for me I can skip the orangey-red colour corrector for dark circles because I don’t lose sleep over the lies I pedal, however a generous layer of LA girl PRO (what I like to think I am) to mask imperfections usually does the trick. But I am not sure if anyone is baked enough to take me seriously.

cover dark circles meme

Now, it is all about blending seamlessly into the crowd of typical beauty gurus, never standing out- generic. I have the choice of dabbing(original beauty blender) or swiitch(ing) it up and brushing(Real Techniques) away the haters.

You know, way back when I was one of those girls who probably bullied other girls for having thick bushy brows, but look at me now trying to emulate them, stroke by stroke thanks to Anastasia’s Brow Wiz that she didn’t even need Hogwarts to create.

no eyebrows meme

For the real deception, we focus on the eyes- the windows to the soul after all. The lies hidden in the shadows of my Tarte pallets. The glitter to dazzle and enchant. The roller lash mascara forming clumps- much like cliquey bloggers, the trusty glue to the falsies holding together my false claims and lastly the perfect winged liner using Kat Von D’s Trooper- aptly named to describe my fans.

Once all colour in my face has seemingly been lost, it is time to contour- gently carving out affiliate codes with Benefit’s Hoola Bronzer, a dash of NYX dusty rose blush- be careful not to be pricked by its thorns and lastly the glow to blind all reason- intoxicatingly luminous Champagne Pop by Becca and my dearest bestie Jaclyn Hill (I wish).

To perfectly bring this look into fruition, I’d go with a bright coral colour like beeper  from colourpop to distract you from how much time you’ve wasted reading this and to really lock it all in, I use Urban Decay All-Nighter, so the lies don’t budge.

makeup hoarding meme

That’s it for this weeks haul, please subscribe and give me those beautiful likes from your beautiful faces.

Au revoir.

 

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I(2016) would very much like to be excluded from this narrative

I came into this world as the clock struck 12 on January 1st 2016. I was celebrated and embraced, kisses and fireworks marked my entrance and I watched silently as foolish resolutions were made in my name. Amy, Jess, Pri, have you guys reached your goal weight yet? Mark, have you quit smoking? Are all of you going to blame every event ever in the known universe on me?

I am just a regular year, run of the mill, truly and inexplicably ordinary, but it seemed out of all the years, I really drew the short straw. But humankind really is the dramatic sort, I didn’t bring you the plague, any world war or even bring back bootleg jeans(not that they’re on the same level as mass deaths  but you get my point)

Why does nobody remember the good I have bestowed upon your feeble kind, like the fact that world hunger has reached an all time low in 25 years or the that many endangered species experienced rejuvenation and how Beyoncé released Lemonade and had all of you “SHOOK”. Conveniently forgot to remember this? Didn’t bother to read the myriad articles of articles detailing my excellence? Of course not, you were too busy making me your Gregorian scapegoat. I have this urge to sue you all for character defamation , but it would just add to the list of reasons why I am villainized.

Look, let me reason with you, the bad things and yes I do acknowledge the bad things. were far beyond my control. Trump is a bigoted force of nature, The United Kingdom a country of emotionless pasty faces were bound to screw up at some point and well the angel of death certainly had it out for Hollywood.

However, I am the understanding sort and I see your need to allocate blame as a coping mechanism and so have decided to accept all your personal terrible choices, grand catastrophes, slew of deaths and many many twitter trends as my final act of kindness before I cease to exist. My good old friend 2017, who is soon to enter your lives might not be as receptive , no matter how much positivity you seem to throw at it.

In my parting words to you, I urge you to remember be as more than just the worst year ever and have a little sympathy for all the hate that I endured  only to pacify your feelings.Take comfort in knowing that I am at an end but take heed for what might follow.

 

Yours truly,

NOT THE WORST YEAR EVER

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(It is I, the author of this and 2016 IS THE WORST YEAR EVER IT FREAKING SUCKED, BYE)

2016 in a nutshell

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Finally, we have reached the pinnacle end to the traumatic disgrace of a year that is 2016. Honestly, personally and publicly this year has been an absolute suck fest, but I did feel better knowing I was not alone in this. Alas, my yearly round-up is here to summarize a few pop culture tidbits. I have done extensive research and put tons of thought into my choices (this is a lie but you will deal)

Song Of The Year: I usually can never choose just one, so here are two songs that were probably overplayed on the radio and still linger in your head:

Closer- The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

Black Beatles- Rae Sremmurd ft.Gucci Mane (THAT GIRL IS A REAL ROUND PIZZA)

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Best Movie: Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Call me unjust and biased and I will merely shrug it off, because this movie is the true shining gem of 2016. It captivated audiences and while feeling familiar was breathtakingly new. Newt charmed us with awkwardness and wit, the niffler stole our hearts, Credence demanded our hugs and JK Rowling went to the bank with our money. If you’re sceptical about this one, just give it a try and I hope you won’t be disappointed.

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Worst Movie: Sausage Party 

Great concept I am sure, but traumatic and distasteful nevertheless.

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Best Animation: Zootopia

This movie wins hands down for me, it managed to capture delightful puns, important social messages, adorable animals and catchy tunes.  It is truly the perfect formula for a winning animation for all ages to enjoy.

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Actor Of The Year: Rami Malek

Usually, I choose an up and coming movie star , but this year I will hand it to T.V. The now Emmy winner (FIRST PoC WINNER FOR BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA IN 18 YEARS(as long as I have been alive))  first made me swoon years ago in Night At The Museum , then surprised and perplexed me as Elliot Alderson and will soon gain ultimate stardom by portraying iconic Queen frontman Freddie Mercury (so damn glad the role went to a PoC). Rami is talented and successful a true trailblazer to keep an eye out on.

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Actress Of The Year: Margot Robbie

As much as I hate to admit it, the screen siren stole the screen this year most notably with her perfectly demented portrayal of Harley Quinn. This Hollywood “It girl” is more than here to stay.

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Scandal: Kim Kardashian/ Taylor Swift video feud

I do not have the time to rehash this whole entire mess and honestly I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.

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Viral Sensation: Mannequin Challenge

CAN THIS STOP ALREADY, I AM TIRED. YOU HEARD ME, STAND STILL AND JUST DONT MOVE EVER OKAY LIKE EVER. STOP.

Joke Of The Year: Donald Trump being elected President Of The “Free World”

Oh, how I wish this was a real joke but as seen, clowns are running around ruining lives and this is no exception. My mind hasn’t fully grasped the concept of American idiocy. This is quite possibly the most 2016 thing to ever happen, only time will tell what the ominous future holds.

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GREAT LOSSES: WHO WASN’T TAKEN FROM US THIS YEAR???

R.I.P ALWAYS

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Alright, I give up I am going to gloss up my lips with my non-existent Kylie Lip Kit, throw some shade, take some L’s , dab away the sadness and try to pick up the shard remnants of my life in 2016. I hope it treated you better than it did the world.