Being the Ringmaster to the circus within my brain

While my life can very much be compared to a duller version of a circus and I do have a cat more than willing to jump through fiery hoops(sans animal cruelty), it is the one lurking within, that I address. Controlling and chaotic, feverishly entertaining and yet, dark enough to depress.

It starts with the seamless orchestration of this idea of perfection I have in mind. There is no room for error. I am performing acrobatic leaps of an irrational nature- reaching new bounds. Your friends secretly hate you. A B? pathetic really.

I juggle too. Happiness, reality and my goals. While one soars high above, the others remain compromised. Happiness rarely gets a chance at the top.In between acts, a clown appears to taunt me for my stupidity. Handkerchiefs for my tears and a red nose swapped out for red eyes.

I bend and contort myself to please others, resembling whatever shape they desire.Really, I am suffocating, trapped amongst my thoughts, never thinking outside the box I let society put me in.The adrenaline pumping, my heart furiously punching out of my chest and an audience, cheering, mesmerized by how close I walk the tightrope of failure. Warm popcorn and sticky candyfloss packets, stay littered like stray thoughts, fulfilling in the moment, trash in retrospect.

It is to you I bow my hat and curtsy, my mind. Wracked by anxiety and paranoia, putting on this dazzling show. Extravagant lights and a red topped tent. You invite people to cheer on the charade. The price of a ticket?Why only a portion of my happiness

 

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She changed her degree.

She changed her degree?

She wasted a year.

What in the heavens is she doing now?

She wasted money.

How will she get a job in this country?

She wasted her potential.

Why can’t she just do a health science?

She is going to waste a good life.

The past year, to say the least, has been a bit traumatic for me. I, did, in fact, change my degree and as such my entire expected life path. It was not easy, but it was a healthy and conscious choice to stand up to my parents. I still can’t fathom that at 17, I had to make the choice of what I wanted to do with my life and I completely botched it.

I was, like many teens, confused about the future and what life held for me. My parents pushed health sciences or IT and my heart yearned for journalism or law. My parents are not bad people, they’re just rightfully cautious ones who give into the whole Indian stereotype and wanted what they felt was best for me. I am a stubborn person, so when the acceptances rolled around, part of me even though I didn’t know it at the time, rebelled. I rebelled in the only way I knew how, potentially ruining my own life. I decided that within the field of science I would study rocks, because I had a penchant for geography, and after much reluctance, my parents accepted on the basis that it was, in fact, A SCIENCE.

I psyched myself up, ready with sharpened pencils, an open mind, and caverns filled with enthusiasm. “YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS” was my motto. I attended all my lectures, pushed as hard as I could and yet had this aching, gnawing feeling within me knew that I did not belong there at all. How could I possibly have chosen this?  A predominantly outdoor career for a computer addicted, pizza eating blob of a human? I LAUGH NOW BUT REALLY, HOW DID I DO THIS?

The year progressed and I looked at hundreds of rock specimens, passed my tests and went on exhausting field trips to find direction and yet I could never orientate my life. Lying to myself, my parents and even my friends became easier with time. “It’s really interesting” “Mum, did you know our kitchen granite is actually fake and you were scammed?” “DIAMONDS ARE A MINERAL AND NOT A ROCK”.

Feelings of isolation didn’t help either. One of few women and the only Muslim in my class. Sometimes, I’d just crave a friend or someone who understood me, but no one really did. People were kind, but I kept a suitable distance and never formed lasting attachments because I didn’t want to have a reason to stay.

My depression found solid ground in my brain, mining away in my consciousness, taking the precious resource of happiness and I retreated further into myself. By May, I decided I was unhappy and told my parents. I applied for a safe health science for the following year. I felt that maybe they did know best and I should decidedly live out my life as a cliché.

The real change occurred when I was approached by my dearest cousin who lives halfway across the world. I poured out my feelings of regret and confusion, with the help of her and my uncle, I did it. I applied for law in October and here I am now, four applicable credits to my name, in a new degree.

I can’t say my life has magically morphed into sunshine and rainbows, but I can say that I am in a much better, brighter place. The occasional snide remarks still find their way into my life, by an old aunt or a judgemental sibling. Having to explain my story surely does get old after the 60th time too. ‘Yes, I changed” “yes, how strange from geology to law”.

The reason I decided to finally put this into words is because if there is anyone out there who is scared to change or feels stuck, know that you are not alone. Yeah, that sounds like a sappy hallmark card, but it is true. You have options, you have time and it’s okay to not be sure. Trust yourself. That is all I ask.

 

My insecurities about college summed up by Daria.

Take a break from the toxic

The way things have been going in 2016 and my increasing lack of faith in the internet , today I want to say thank you to people from the internet who have enriched my life.

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My predominant social media of choice would be the ever evolving home to 140 characters , why Twitter of course. Around mid 2013 an habit or more so an addiction developed to sharing my arbitrary and pointless thoughts which probably did include what I had for breakfast that morning . Slowly but surely I kept my momentum going and added my jokes that no one would laugh at irl and the followers trickled in. By grade 11(2014) people at school used to talk about how  I never stopped tweeting or how many retweets I had on a certain thing and it all felt eerie but then cue the wonderful people that are my mutuals, who made me throw caution to the wind and forget every stranger danger lecture I’ve ever gotten.

Vivacious pun-makers , sarcastic fangirls , religious reminders , social justice warriors , you name it and they probably found their way into my heart. With every little part of my soul i shared , I gained a part of another’s soul , every character you decided to perfectly curate (typo or not) has taught me something or made me a better person.

 

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It’s never always sunshine and unicorns in life and the same applies to the tl but I am not here to focus on the negative ( for once) . Some nights I could be bored out my mind , sitting in the dark scrolling away my life and then my thirst could be quenched by double thick milkshakes , exposing catfish and viral opinion games and my night could be so aptly deemed ‘lit’ , however not by regular teenager standards.

The best part for me has been watching people grow and prosper in their respective fields .Casey the model , Juwie the artist , poet (and pretty much everything else) , Haaj the shipper , Tara the youtuber , Gabi the photographer, Suvania (my sunshine) the soon to be published writer and so many many others. Sometimes I mention these names irl and much to the confusion of those around me , but on the tl it’s a quaint little community with a wealth of knowledge and with people from vastly different backgrounds.

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My loyal followers (some more than others) have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life , become my best friends  and have given me whatsapp groups galore, confidence and tremendous amounts of support. Sharing my life with people some within my country , km away and some across oceans have unlocked opportunities I could never dream of. It’s rather ironic how I am willing to share to the void that is the internet , instead of to the people I see on a daily basis but satisfying nevertheless.

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So to end of thank you for the kind words , constructive  criticism , terribly grand puns, riveting book discussions, stunning photosets , answering my questions on shampoo and most importantly giving me a space where I fit. I pray for each and every one of you to succeed and I hope to meet more of you (sans awkwardness). Also , I apologise for all the mushiness and or cheesiness , let it slide just this once and you better not be fake.

 

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Hello, it’s me.

Yes , it is still I, your loyal but not so present elfling just with a new look . It just seemed time for a change what with my impending existential crisis soon to follow. This new me comes with a few announcements and proclamations too.

I am no longer 15 years old , what a surprise I know . No longer filled with high school woes or an eagerness to blog , and I also drink green tea(caffeine is caffeine) now and care about makeup ( OH THE HORROR- that is no longer my face). The younger me would be so appalled at the current state of this blog and my life, I am pretty sure she would be drafting a post already. I have let this seep into the crevices , ignored and only there when I have a rare surge of energy and enough is enough.

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I think I applied this to my blog instead

This blog demands my attention. I am more confused than I have ever been and I probably need one of those years off to go find myself in Europe but unfortunately I am both broke and not white , instead I have my words , a source of solace and contentment that I now intend to make full use of. Be prepared for a flurry of thoughts , reviews and those fun posts too ( a shrine to my former work).

A promise to myself and to my readers if any , is to post biweekly and if not I hope to be expelled to the deepest , darkest parts of the internet for my most deceitful betrayal. Lastly , it feels good to be filled with a need to write again and I hope it makes me feel better in this weird and messy part of my life ( oh , look, positivity , that’s new) and thank you to Juwie for the exceptional artwork , it was definitely the push I needed. Your loyal elfling is here to stay, Insha Allah.

 

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This is ever so cheesy and yet is all I ever want to say

 

A time for change and introspection

Thoughts keep floating around in my head , constantly changing at a rapid rate , even I can’t keep up or figure out where they are going. So instead of usually blogging about something silly and often for entertainment purposes , tonight due the constant influx of change and choices into my life , I sat down with a bowl of popcorn , iced coffee and of course a movie for some gold old me time.

Choosing a movie to suit your mood can be a particularly straining task when you have pretty much watched everything worth watching ( a fact of which my mother isn’t too pleased about). It happens to be no secret that I am complete sad sap ready to gobble up some consumer based romantic movie delusions , and so the I went way back to the 80’s and settled on ‘Say anything’ starring John Cusack and some random no one really knows about today. The extent of my knowledge on the movie was all from ‘Easy A’  so basically romantic guy with a boombox outside a girl’s window.

I went in expecting the same clichéd romance and I did get that but also a surprising feeling of relatablity ( is that even a word?) . I didn’t identify with romance because I have about as much experience as 12 year old boy , perhaps even he has more , but rather the whole idea of teen angst and the choices faced as teenagers , the ‘F’ word , THE FUTURE. Before delving into my mess of thoughts but why don’t they make movies like the 80’s anymore? that and i totally have the right hair for that decade.

Change

Change came in the form of leadership and accomplishment. On the best possible note , i actually participated and reigned champion in the something of consequence. Of course with the help of an incredible team , we won a varsity college inter- school general  knowledge quiz and took home R1000 each , as well as a R50000 bursary for someone of our schools choosing. In the grander scheme of thing doesn’t sound very impressive but to me , the person filled with tons of doubt it was completely unexpected and we did manage to land in a random local newspaper where i have a strange smile and my uniform looks discoloured.

 

Leadership had come due to the fact that the matrics have begun trails and so it must be up the next year of eager to please students, to fill their shoes. I managed to acquire the position of an HR ( basically a figure that reprimands much like a prefect) and a computer monitor , which is self explanatory. Although our school may call us leaders , a friend of mine came up with the concept that we are merely higher ranking soldiers , set out to enforce the rules and regulations for us to follow in unison. A badge or scarf does not a leader make , but rather what they plan on doing with their position for the betterment of others.

Alas school is school and politics , fan favourites begin to play their part , but what can we really do but wait for the time to pass and look forward to something better.

Introspection

This can be defined as the act of looking within ones self and all it really sounds like is something depressing and deep. Sometimes you just need a break from the outside world and to just think , lately I have been bombarded with the future talk and constantly reminded that numbers printed out on a paper determine the course of my life , such comforting thoughts. The truth is I have no idea what I am going to do ,where I am going or who even cares , at the moment I am still trying to figure out why school exists or when can I drop out or why the clouds aren’t really made from candyfloss. Random and arbitrary thoughts are what I would like to keep constant.

Thus concludes my post of the exaggerated life of a teenager , I am told this the most awkward and confusing stage in my life but yet I cant help but wonder if this is only the very beginning , for now I will look out the window and see the full night sky , with a scarcity of stars and no John Cusack with a boombox professing his love.

My favourite quotes from the movie :

I have this theory of convergence, that good things always happen with bad things. I know you have to deal with them at the same time, but I just don’t know why they have to happen at the same time. I just wish I could work out some schedule.

—  Diane Court: “Say Anything”
I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

—  Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything

Bitches, man.

—  Say anything