Being the Ringmaster to the circus within my brain

While my life can very much be compared to a duller version of a circus and I do have a cat more than willing to jump through fiery hoops(sans animal cruelty), it is the one lurking within, that I address. Controlling and chaotic, feverishly entertaining and yet, dark enough to depress.

It starts with the seamless orchestration of this idea of perfection I have in mind. There is no room for error. I am performing acrobatic leaps of an irrational nature- reaching new bounds. Your friends secretly hate you. A B? pathetic really.

I juggle too. Happiness, reality and my goals. While one soars high above, the others remain compromised. Happiness rarely gets a chance at the top.In between acts, a clown appears to taunt me for my stupidity. Handkerchiefs for my tears and a red nose swapped out for red eyes.

I bend and contort myself to please others, resembling whatever shape they desire.Really, I am suffocating, trapped amongst my thoughts, never thinking outside the box I let society put me in.The adrenaline pumping, my heart furiously punching out of my chest and an audience, cheering, mesmerized by how close I walk the tightrope of failure. Warm popcorn and sticky candyfloss packets, stay littered like stray thoughts, fulfilling in the moment, trash in retrospect.

It is to you I bow my hat and curtsy, my mind. Wracked by anxiety and paranoia, putting on this dazzling show. Extravagant lights and a red topped tent. You invite people to cheer on the charade. The price of a ticket?Why only a portion of my happiness

 

Image result for night circus quotes

All’s well that ends well

Well , the time has finally come . I am back in the blogger-sphere for good and I wish to never leave its warm and comforting embrace again.

2015 has been quite the year for me and as my stress levels increased ,my dedication to my blog decreased. I know I don’t have some massive following on here that grip onto my every word , but I feel as if I have failed no one but myself by being distant and neglectful.

WHAT’S NEW?

Well , for starters I can almost safely say that High school is behind me and the future is ahead (forgive me for the cheesiness , I cringed too) .  I have one more exam to go and well I can’t really study for English paper 3 (the writing of essays and transactionals) and this is as close to practice as I will get.  Personally , school has shaped a huge part of my personality mainly because I appreciate the rigid routine it gives me and is also a safety blanket wrapped around me ,protecting me from the real world for 12 long years and now I have to unwrap myself and face the cold and harsh reality . The nostalgia really starts to kick in when I think back to bullying the boys in my class in primary school  ( back when we were actually the same size) ,reciting my poetry out aloud in grade 6 (I thought all poetry had to rhyme) , waking up one morning and realising a project was due that day ( much to my mother’s horror and dismay), the random excursions to the zoo or just simply the weird yet amazing conversations I had at break with my friends.

I watched everyone else in my class get these notes in Primary school , but alas twas never I.

High school in itself was quite a peculiar journey and NOTHING LIKE AMERICAN MOVIES AND TV THAT I GREW UP WATCHING. Sure there were cliques ,popular people, nerds , weirdos who sit in the corner alone , jocks , but nobody was limited to hanging out with the people who were exactly like them or bullied for liking things that were not necessarily “cool” , or maybe this is just because I went to an all girl’s school where asking for a pad / tampon freely , was normal. At the end of the day or well era that is high school , I am grateful for having met some like-minded individuals and openly admitting to binge reading Wikipedia articles and still maintaining friendships . I do however regret only knowing and conversing with about half my grade (there are like 225 girls , don’t judge me).

PROBABLY THE MOST ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF HIGH SCHOOL , EVER

High School Was Easy

So , just being hot off the heels of the hardest exams I have ever written , I guess you could say I am slightly overwhelmed and freaked out about getting my results in January , but I have about a month of stress free binge watching time to enjoy before the crippling anxiety and nerves set in, as numbers on a page determine my entire existence (fun, right?)

 

 

Lastly ,  I would like to personally congratulate myself on being a self-proclaimed blogger for two years as of the 17th of November 2015 ( yes , I missed the milestone and I am horrible and narcissistic) . I wish myself all the luck in the future of sharing my irrelevant thoughts with the world and hopefully I only improve from here on out.

 

My slow descent into exhaustion

why hello there internet , my dear old neglected pal.

I have missed you so , and yet I have no excuses for my absence , well I have a few but none of them seem sufficient enough. What have I been up to then may you ask ? ( I know you didn’t really ask)

well first up we have the obvious one being matric and all the accompanying stress . You always hear the saying that ‘grade 11 is harder than matric’ , well not even a month in and I believe that to be the biggest load of crap ever . I feel like people say that just to get us to calm down , well no thanks . The rush to finish the syllabus is on and well teachers don’t really care if you have 3 other tests or assignments due on that day , they will pile on more work or tests just for kicks . Next you have your parents pumping you with vitamins and their version of pep talks which is euphemism for if you don’t get 7 A’s you basically failed them. I saw a real change in my life with all these matric talks , the fact that I actually do maths homework now (trust me this is a huge deal) . I also have to casually dodge the “what do you have to study questions” while simultaneously spending hours stalking universities I will never attend. Matric is not all bad is what I tell myself in an effort to sooth my nerves , but it really really is all bad , seeing as my motto has failed miserably . Alas I cannot wait for to it to end .

During my hiatus I also turned 17 (yes I know young to be in my final year of school ,at least if I fail I would be the right age next year) . I am warming up to 17 , the year where cool stuff happens to the lead characters in books ,also giving up the naivety of 16 without accepting the responsibility of 18 and also the age Edward Cullen will remain forever (sorry I had to). Truly the day was amazing despite having double physics at school.

The blazing February heat has sucked more than just the life out of me , along with it went my creativity and will to blog , however next week proves to be exciting with my matric dance taking place ( going dateless of course  but it will provide tons of inspiration for a post at least) . A few other fun things also seem to be on the horizon , including whether or not I make a general knowledge team and the fact that I am an advocate for my school’s “bring back of wifi” campaign , a worthy cause I assure you.

For now I shall retreat back to my phase of denial where I pretend not be in matric and binge watch tv series instead