I(2016) would very much like to be excluded from this narrative

I came into this world as the clock struck 12 on January 1st 2016. I was celebrated and embraced, kisses and fireworks marked my entrance and I watched silently as foolish resolutions were made in my name. Amy, Jess, Pri, have you guys reached your goal weight yet? Mark, have you quit smoking? Are all of you going to blame every event ever in the known universe on me?

I am just a regular year, run of the mill, truly and inexplicably ordinary, but it seemed out of all the years, I really drew the short straw. But humankind really is the dramatic sort, I didn’t bring you the plague, any world war or even bring back bootleg jeans(not that they’re on the same level as mass deaths  but you get my point)

Why does nobody remember the good I have bestowed upon your feeble kind, like the fact that world hunger has reached an all time low in 25 years or the that many endangered species experienced rejuvenation and how Beyoncé released Lemonade and had all of you “SHOOK”. Conveniently forgot to remember this? Didn’t bother to read the myriad articles of articles detailing my excellence? Of course not, you were too busy making me your Gregorian scapegoat. I have this urge to sue you all for character defamation , but it would just add to the list of reasons why I am villainized.

Look, let me reason with you, the bad things and yes I do acknowledge the bad things. were far beyond my control. Trump is a bigoted force of nature, The United Kingdom a country of emotionless pasty faces were bound to screw up at some point and well the angel of death certainly had it out for Hollywood.

However, I am the understanding sort and I see your need to allocate blame as a coping mechanism and so have decided to accept all your personal terrible choices, grand catastrophes, slew of deaths and many many twitter trends as my final act of kindness before I cease to exist. My good old friend 2017, who is soon to enter your lives might not be as receptive , no matter how much positivity you seem to throw at it.

In my parting words to you, I urge you to remember be as more than just the worst year ever and have a little sympathy for all the hate that I endured  only to pacify your feelings.Take comfort in knowing that I am at an end but take heed for what might follow.

 

Yours truly,

NOT THE WORST YEAR EVER

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(It is I, the author of this and 2016 IS THE WORST YEAR EVER IT FREAKING SUCKED, BYE)

2016 in a nutshell

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Finally, we have reached the pinnacle end to the traumatic disgrace of a year that is 2016. Honestly, personally and publicly this year has been an absolute suck fest, but I did feel better knowing I was not alone in this. Alas, my yearly round-up is here to summarize a few pop culture tidbits. I have done extensive research and put tons of thought into my choices (this is a lie but you will deal)

Song Of The Year: I usually can never choose just one, so here are two songs that were probably overplayed on the radio and still linger in your head:

Closer- The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

Black Beatles- Rae Sremmurd ft.Gucci Mane (THAT GIRL IS A REAL ROUND PIZZA)

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Best Movie: Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Call me unjust and biased and I will merely shrug it off, because this movie is the true shining gem of 2016. It captivated audiences and while feeling familiar was breathtakingly new. Newt charmed us with awkwardness and wit, the niffler stole our hearts, Credence demanded our hugs and JK Rowling went to the bank with our money. If you’re sceptical about this one, just give it a try and I hope you won’t be disappointed.

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Worst Movie: Sausage Party 

Great concept I am sure, but traumatic and distasteful nevertheless.

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Best Animation: Zootopia

This movie wins hands down for me, it managed to capture delightful puns, important social messages, adorable animals and catchy tunes.  It is truly the perfect formula for a winning animation for all ages to enjoy.

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Actor Of The Year: Rami Malek

Usually, I choose an up and coming movie star , but this year I will hand it to T.V. The now Emmy winner (FIRST PoC WINNER FOR BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA IN 18 YEARS(as long as I have been alive))  first made me swoon years ago in Night At The Museum , then surprised and perplexed me as Elliot Alderson and will soon gain ultimate stardom by portraying iconic Queen frontman Freddie Mercury (so damn glad the role went to a PoC). Rami is talented and successful a true trailblazer to keep an eye out on.

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Actress Of The Year: Margot Robbie

As much as I hate to admit it, the screen siren stole the screen this year most notably with her perfectly demented portrayal of Harley Quinn. This Hollywood “It girl” is more than here to stay.

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Scandal: Kim Kardashian/ Taylor Swift video feud

I do not have the time to rehash this whole entire mess and honestly I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.

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Viral Sensation: Mannequin Challenge

CAN THIS STOP ALREADY, I AM TIRED. YOU HEARD ME, STAND STILL AND JUST DONT MOVE EVER OKAY LIKE EVER. STOP.

Joke Of The Year: Donald Trump being elected President Of The “Free World”

Oh, how I wish this was a real joke but as seen, clowns are running around ruining lives and this is no exception. My mind hasn’t fully grasped the concept of American idiocy. This is quite possibly the most 2016 thing to ever happen, only time will tell what the ominous future holds.

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GREAT LOSSES: WHO WASN’T TAKEN FROM US THIS YEAR???

R.I.P ALWAYS

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Alright, I give up I am going to gloss up my lips with my non-existent Kylie Lip Kit, throw some shade, take some L’s , dab away the sadness and try to pick up the shard remnants of my life in 2016. I hope it treated you better than it did the world.