So…apparently my prefrontal cortex is fully developed.

To be quite honest, I am not even entirely sure of what the above means biologically speaking and also it might actually be a myth. All I am fully aware of is that I am 25 and well, I am not a fan and loadshedding still exists!

Where did the ten years vanish to and what have I even accomplished in those ten years? Why am I suddenly in my mid-twenties and on the verge of a quarter life crisis?

Yes, you could argue that age is but a number and it feels no different from the year before, but my fully developed brain and Leonardo DiCaprio to disagree. Having spent the majority of my early twenties in lockdown and in constant fear of the pandemic or working myself into a hospital bed, I feel like I have missed out on life.

I may however be a little harsh on myself and acknowledge that I have achieved more than I could have imagined. A married, qualified attorney currently living in Dublin and halfway through a masters degree. While the early marriage and degree might have placated the expectations passed down by my Indian ancestors, I have by choice failed to bring a child into this precarious world and that must rest heavily upon my shoulders (yes, in good old 2023).

So childless I remain, re-evaluating where I would like to see my life go while barely even remembering my life before the pandemic. It is all a bit foggy, the joys of high school, the courtyard in law school, the graduation I never had. My friends are married or living in far off countries, just trying to figure out life, and well we barely have time to keep up with each other, so thankfully the casual heart on an instagram story once in a while will suffice.

Truthfully, I am just scared. Scared of ageing and physically matching the 60 year old soul I have always had(not to mention the back pain to match). The child who was always too mature for her age is afraid of her age and the made up societal implications that come with it.

My early twenties were confusing, lonely, joyful and unexpected and perhaps that is what the rest of them hold as well. I have no concious expectations or resolutions for this new year in my life besides trying, emphasis on trying to make the most of the fact that I am still here, healthy, not quite fit but healthy enough to be able to share my thoughts with the world and not caring who reads them.

Who knows, maybe my new developed brain will be unstoppable and I will finally write the novel I have put off for the last ten years or hopefully travel the world like I had always dreamed. At least I am not like you know ….. thirty.


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